Ok so again I'm sorry fo takin long on the story, I'm still writing but I felt bad so I wrote a lil sumn sumn on da side. it could be a poem or a rap idk u decide. I would like constructive critism. Ok here goes.
Ok, so there's this bitch that has been getting on my nerves.
What the witch don't know is she won't know what's coming towards her,
What she really fuckin deserves.
But its ok, cuz I had lots to say.
I was not a bit reserved.
I said, "Listen you fuckin cunt! I'm gonna be blunt."
"I ain't gonna beat around them bushes. I'd rather beat you and leave you with some fuckin bruises!"
"Listen you rat bitch, I'm the bad bitch! Knock your fuckin lights out like a light switch!"
"Don't think you can play with me, you double faced quarter,
Cuz I'll pound on you like I was debris, they'll scream 'it was cold blooded murder!'"
Duh that's my intentions...
Did you pay attention? Or do I have to go again? Ok again.
Listen you short, fat faced snitch
How many times I gotta say you reek of rat bitch!?
Your stupidity is pissing me off.
Your instability, irritability is causing bitches to fuck off.
That's why your stupidity is gonna lead you to your infertility
Lulz menopause!
Wait! Press pause!
Its not like you even had a chance!
You have a dumb man now but all you do is leave him in suspense!
That's the consequence of being so fugly.
It'll all end abruptly so roughly, unfortunately but you deserve it cuz you're so damn ugly! Bitch!
Dayum I done went all out on this hoe. Lulzification process has commenced.
Nice job! Something tells me you can rap this. =o= iight, criticisms... you asked for it. >:)
ReplyDelete1st stanza: if your going to make the lines long sentences than stick to it. You can't have the 1st 2 lines long and then the rest short. It's fine if the one in the middle is short and then the last to are long. OR, the 1st line is long and the second short and the pattern is kept. However if you write it like that than the reader has to go around it to make the rhymes match with timing when really it's supposed to fall into place.
Alright, something tells me this criticism will be long so I'll stop here. You can't handle my writing strictness. >:P
But anyway, great job! I want to see more dammit!
Yay!
ReplyDeleteHaha ima start my own record label and ima call it lulzification records.
ReplyDeletelmao! baca!..... lulz
ReplyDeletefierce :) love it
ReplyDelete